


A New Day

by Hershey_chan



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cuddling, Fluff, Hurt Merlin, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-09-14 03:32:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9158260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hershey_chan/pseuds/Hershey_chan
Summary: "Loving Arthur was, without a doubt, the most painful thing Merlin had ever endured...As Merlin stood in front of an applauding crowd, wearing fine robes to match the new title of Court Sorcerer that Arthur had bestowed upon him with Queen Guinevere at his side, Merlin wondered why he was still alive.  He had completed his destiny, hadn’t he?  Now he had no purpose.  For some reason, it seemed natural to Merlin that people died because they had finished what they were placed on this world to achieve.  Why else would it be fair that all of Merlin’s loved ones had died saving other people, which they must have been destined to do?But Merlin was not dying.  He felt in perfect health, and thanks to his protection spells surrounding the castle and the whole of Camelot, he would not be killed in some kind of attack.  Merlin looked first at Arthur’s beaming face, then at Gwen’s, then turned to survey the room of happy people.  He felt sick."With his destiny completed, countless loved ones dead, and his love for Arthur unrequited, Merlin finds himself lacking the will to live.  Gwaine tries to give him a purpose again.





	1. Never Knew You Cared

_Loving Arthur was, without a doubt, the most painful thing Merlin had ever endured.  Arthur seemed to always know exactly what to say or do to make Merlin feel worse._

As a child, Merlin only had one friend.  But he never felt lacking because Will was the best friend anybody could ask for.  When he had discovered that Merlin was magic, instead of being frightened like most people seemed to be, he beamed and excitedly told Merlin that he was amazing.  From that moment on, magic was no longer a curse that Merlin carried alone, but a gift that he shared with Will.  Will had even used his last few breaths to protect their shared secret. He had sacrificed himself to save Arthur because he knew, almost instinctively, how much Arthur means to Merlin.  But stronger than the anguish that Merlin felt as Will died in his arms was the relief that he felt because Arthur was still alive. Arthur scolded Merlin for trusting a sorcerer.

When Freya, Merlin’s first love (who he planned to run away with because they made each other happy) was killed by Arthur’s hand, albeit unknowingly, Arthur had attempted to cheer him up by roughing him up and assigning him chores.

When Balinor, Merlin’s father (who he met only briefly before he died saving his newly found son) was killed in an attack most likely meant for Arthur, Arthur had told Merlin that no man was worth his tears.

When Lancelot, Merlin’s new best friend (who he shared his secret with and trusted wholeheartedly) died sacrificing himself so that Merlin and Arthur could live, Merlin’s grief was ignored, overshadowed by Arthur and Gwen’s guilt.

When Lancelot (who had miraculously come back from the dead) had died a second time, Merlin shouldn’t have been very upset since he had already grieved for Lancelot.  He shouldn’t have been, but he was.

Every person that died seemed to take a part of Merlin with them.  He was broken and disappearing.  Disappearing into the afterlife with his loved ones.  They ripped pieces out of his heart and soul until the only part left was the part that Arthur occupied, roots embedded too firmly for Merlin to repossess himself.

So Merlin drowned himself in Arthur, devoting his everything to Arthur’s safety and well-being.  Even though Arthur had done little to save him from his grief, he had in some ways saved him by giving him meaning to his life.  Merlin really wasn’t that surprised when he woke up from a rather racy dream realizing just how deep his devotion to Arthur was.  He felt happy, realizing that Freya had left a small part of him that could feel love again.

His happiness had disappeared entirely within seconds.  In his sleep-addled mind, he had forgotten that Arthur was already in love with and married to Gwen.  Once again, his loved ones had stolen a part of him, leaving him with nothing but destiny to fill his hollow chest.

Maybe that is why it was his destiny to help Arthur become the Once and Future King and bring magic back to Camelot; because there was nothing else left of him.  How could he ever do anything else when he had no other meaning to his life?

Which is why, as Merlin stood in front of an applauding crowd, wearing fine robes to match the new title of Court Sorcerer that Arthur had bestowed upon him with Queen Guinevere at his side, Merlin wondered why he was still alive.  He had completed his destiny, hadn’t he?  Now he had no purpose.  For some reason, it seemed natural to Merlin that people died because they had finished what they were placed on this world to achieve.  Why else would it be fair that all of Merlin’s loved ones had died saving other people, which they must have been destined to do?

But Merlin was not dying.  He felt in perfect health, and thanks to his protection spells surrounding the castle and the whole of Camelot, he would not be killed in some kind of attack.  Merlin looked first at Arthur’s beaming face, then at Gwen’s, then turned to survey the room of happy people.  He felt sick.  Not only was he stuck living the rest of his life with no purpose, but all of his loved ones had died for no reason.  The smiling faces seemed vicious and sarcastic, mocking his dilemma.  He took several deep breaths to calm himself, fighting the tears he could feel building up in his eyes.  He forced a smile onto his face as he turned back to face Arthur.

He watched Arthur’s smile dim a little as he asked, “Merlin, are… are you _crying_?”

Merlin gave a watery chuckle, answering, “I’m just feeling a little… overwhelmed.  I always imagined that when I stood in this room being recognized for magic, it would have resulted in my death.”

Merlin knew that Arthur would think he meant in an execution, and he was fine with that.  Just because he had to suffer to know that he was still in existence doesn’t mean that everyone else had to as well.

Arthur’s smile grew fond.  “You’re right, my friend.  How far we have come in such a short time!  What can we possibly do in the coming years that will have as much meaning as what we have done to this day?”

It was lucky for Merlin that Arthur had turned away to address the room one last time before they made their way to the dining hall for what was rumored to be the biggest feast in Camelot’s history.  This way, Arthur did not see the stricken look his words had brought to Merlin’s face.   He almost wanted to tell Arthur that there was _nothing_ else that they could do.  But that wasn’t completely true.  Arthur’s destiny wasn’t complete.  He was meant to rule over the land, in the past, in the future, always.  Merlin was just there to help him create it.

Merlin wandered out of the room in a daze, smiling at the faceless masses congratulating him and clapping him on the back.

Merlin was herded to the dining hall with the rest of the crowd and soon found himself seated at the head table to Arthur’s immediate right, wishing for a moment that he was the one who got to sit on his left.

Merlin made it through the next few hours with the help of a magnificent serving boy who always noticed when Merlin’s glass was empty and never ran out of wine.  But soon the celebrations died down, and the attendees filtered out, Arthur and Gwen bid him a good night, looking pleasantly drowsy as they supported each other.

Merlin attempted to stand up and follow them, but was surprised when the world spun violently in front of his eyes and his legs gave out.  He _had_ always been a light-weight.  A wave of depression washed over him, making his stomach drop, when he imagined a reality where Arthur leads him to bed instead of Gwen.

Merlin had just resigned himself to spending the remainder of the night, and his life for all he cared, on the floor when a hand was thrust into his line of sight.  He wearily followed the line of the arm with his eyes, up into the face of his latest best friend, Gwaine.

“All right there, mate?” Gwaine asked him in a soft voice.

Merlin just shook his head no, taking the offered hand.  Gwaine pulled a little harder than necessary, sending Merlin flying upwards until his face was pressed against Gwaine’s chest.  Then Gwaine just wrapped his arms around Merlin, holding him close.  Merlin, feeling emotionally drained and worthless and heartbroken and just _sad_ , buried his face into Gwaine’s shirt and sobbed.

Merlin wasn’t really sure how long they stood like that, but eventually he ran out of tears and began falling asleep in the knight’s arms.  Gwaine never asked what was wrong; he just stood there rubbing soothing patterns into Merlin’s back.  At one point he had started chattering about nothing in particular, but it made Merlin feel better.

When Gwaine noticed him nodding off, he said, “Right.  To bed with you!” and scooped Merlin up in his arms like a bride, muttering something about him being too light.

When Merlin woke up the next morning, he looked around blearily for a moment, feeling disoriented.  It was several seconds before he noticed Gwaine sitting on the floor, back against the wall underneath the window, sleeping.  Merlin could vaguely recall asking Gwaine to not leave him alone before he passed out.  Merlin flushed, both at how foolish he must have looked and at the fact that Gwaine had stayed.

Gwaine began to stir, and once his eyes opened and locked with Merlin’s, he smiled brighter than the sun.  Merlin could feel the warmth of it seeping into him, and smiled slightly in return.

“It’s a new day.” Gwaine stated simply.

The smile wiped off of Merlin’s face, and all he could think of was Arthur, who had those exact same words to him after Uther had died.  The hollow, cold feeling replaced the momentary warmth.

Gwaine’s smile died with his, and was replaced with concern.  Merlin started talking before Gwaine could question him.

“You should get going.”  Merlin needed to be alone.  Now.  “There’s a training session for the knights this morning. George will make sure Arthur doesn’t sleep in, no matter how big his hangover is.  So Arthur _will_ be there and he _will_ be in a bad mood.”

When Gwaine didn’t move fast enough, Merlin actually pulled him off the floor and pushed him out the door.

“Merlin, wha-” Merlin closed the door in his face, then fell against it, panting.  He wasn’t really sure why exactly those stupid words had struck so harshly (other than the fact that they made him think of Arthur).  But really, if Merlin freaked out every time he thought of Arthur, who he was around all day everyday…

Merlin didn’t really want it to be a new day.  A new day meant that he no longer had a destiny because that was completed in an _old_ day.  On a new day there was nothing.

After a moment’s thought, he dressed and headed out to the training field where the knights were practicing.  Even if he had already technically completed his destiny, maybe he was still around because he was meant to help Arthur with something else.  So, he should go where Arthur goes, just like he always had.

Of course Merlin had been right about Arthur being there on time and being in a bad mood.  He was currently having the knights run laps in their armour while verbally abusing them.  Merlin weaved his way through the running knights, getting tired waves from most of them, stopping only when he was by Arthur’s side.

“ _Mer_ lin, how are you even still alive?”  He asked, reminding Merlin of his own similar wonderings.  “I think you drank more than all of these ninnies combined.”  He added loudly enough that the others would hear.

“Let’s just say that magic’s not just useful for saving your pratish behind.”  Merlin answered.

Arthur gave him a surly look, “You used magic to get rid of a hangover?”

Merlin laughed at him a little.  “That, or it may have just been the foul tonic that Gaius gave me.”  He held out a bottle of said tonic, not bothering to tell Arthur that he hadn’t had to use his magic to get over a hangover because his magic never even let one form.  Though he had taken the tonic anyway because Gaius insisted that he should get at least some form of punishment for abusing alcohol.

Arthur drank it gratefully, immediately looking relieved.

“I’ll have to tell George to start bringing me a bottle with breakfast after celebrations in the future.”

Merlin’s heart clenched a little.  He was being replaced more and more every day.

“But seriously, _Mer_ lin, what are you doing here?”

“I thought maybe I could help you some.  Give you my opinion on the knights, or something.”

Arthur laughed at him, and Merlin felt like his heart had been stepped on.  “You know about as much about the art of swordplay as I know about cooking.  Honestly, I sometimes wonder how I made it so many years with such a useless servant.  And despite popular opinion, I can do plenty of things without you.  Probably better without you blundering around making things more difficult.  So take a day off for once.”

Of course, Arthur said the words in a jesting voice, but Merlin had felt the truth in those words.  If his voice was as tense as he felt when he answered “Right,” then Arthur pretended not to notice.  Merlin stiffly left the field, his chest feeling heavy, which was odd because it was empty.  He shot one look backwards to see Gwaine and Arthur engaged in conversation.  He couldn’t really hear what they were talking about, or what expressions they were making, but he saw Gwaine clap Arthur on the shoulder in a friendly manner.  _Of course_ , Gwaine is friends with everyone.  Merlin wondered how many other drunken friends he had helped back to their rooms as he made his way back to Gaius’ chambers.

He walked in, not even looking up as he closed the door and walked in, words rolling off his tongue.  “Gaius, Arthur has given me the day off, so if there’s anything you need help with, I’m-”

His voice died off as he noticed there was a young, gentle looking woman standing next to Gaius by one of his work tables. “Available.”  He finished in a small voice.

“Ah, Merlin.  I was wondering when you’d be back!  This is Elizabeth.  I’ve taken her on as my apprentice.  I need someone to take over for me soon, and she has shown a knack for healing spells.  You never really could master them, could you?  Anyway, from now on, she will be completing all of my errands, so you can focus on your new position.”  Gaius’ face was glowing with pride, as though he had not just slapped Merlin in the face by pointing out a flaw that haunted him with how useless it made him feel.

“Oh.”  He answered intelligently, smiling as well as he could at Elizabeth.

“I’ve been informed that your new rooms have been completed, so I had them take all of your things up there, since Elizabeth will need to stay here for her training.”

That was it; Gaius had no use for Merlin anymore either.  Gaius approached Merlin and gave him a hug before telling Merlin to find a guard to lead him to his new room.  When Merlin left the physician’s chambers, the door closing behind him sounded like the most final sound he had ever heard.  It was a little cliché, really, to have his life begin and end in the same place.

Nevertheless, Merlin found someone who knew where his rooms were, and followed them there.  After several minutes of walking, Merlin realized that his new room was in a part of the castle that _no one_ used.  He laughed out loud, sounding hysterical and getting a very concerned look from his guide, after realizing that he was being physically cut off from the rest of the castle now that he had lost his use.  He felt like an injured animal in the pack that is left behind to die alone, while the others move on at a quicker pace than they would have been able to with the sickly one slowing them down.  Merlin felt like a parasite.

When they finally reached a door with “Court Sorcerer” hanging above it on a sign that looked ancient, Merlin felt confident that their journey was over.  He thanked his guide, and took a deep breath before opening the door.

It was truly a lovely room.  It was in one of the towers and consisted of several levels, all connected by a staircase that wrapped along the round wall of the room (in a similar style to a lighthouse).  The first floor was a sort of study, with chairs on both sides of the elegant desk indicating that it could be used for meetings as well as private work.  The second floor was a library, filled with all of the remaining magical manuscripts in the kingdom.  The third floor was his bedroom, which had a very large fireplace, a bathtub, a wardrobe filled with fine robes, and the largest, softest bed Merlin had every laid eyes on.  Fighting the urge to try it right now (he had only woken up a few hours ago), he headed up the next set of stairs, wondering what else he could possibly need.

He pushed open the trap door at the top of the staircase, sticking his head out to find himself no longer indoors.  He stepped onto the roof of the tower, looking up at the clear blue sky above.  Then he looked out at his surroundings.  There was a short wall around the edge of the tower roof, one that could easily be stepped over.  He approached the wall.  His hands gripped it tightly as he looked over.  There was a slight outcropping beyond the wall, just wide enough to stand on.  Beyond that was nothing but clear air until the courtyard down below that he had a very nice view of.

Merlin can’t help but think how nice it would feel if he jumped from that height.  It would feel a bit like flying.   Merlin could feel Arthur’s and Gaius’ words echoing in his head.  _You never really could master them_ … _Probably better without you_ …  They would be better off without him, wouldn’t they?  Really, no one needs a pointless failure clinging to their coattails, dragging them down into the abyss with him.  He was too far gone to be pulled out, too heavy (funny how his heart could be so heavy when it was just an empty, shredded husk).  And that was all he could hope to do at this point.  Cling to Arthur, the most important man in the world, the man who could and did have anybody he wanted, the man who was light enough to walk on the dark water that Merlin was trapped in.  It must have been pity and some since of obligation that led him to keep Merlin.

It was at that moment that Merlin realized what had to be done.  If he was too far down to be pulled up, then his only choice was to embrace his fate and plunge into the depths.  And really, it will feel like flying when he jumps from this height.

But he couldn’t jump just yet, he realized.  If he was going to do this, he would do this right.  So he descended the staircase until he reached the library, searching for a way to make his protection spells a permanent feature that would remain post-mortem.  He will not hinder people in death like he did in life.

Merlin was almost disappointed by how little time it had taken him to find the right spell, and even more disappointed by how easy it had been for him to master.  But he should feel relieved that he doesn’t have to postpone his fate any longer.  After all, the longer he sat there, the longer his mind had to recall every reason why he shouldn’t be there, why he was worthless, and all of the people that he could meet again if he just went ahead and jumped.

He was afraid it would look like an accident.  It certainly wasn’t like he wanted his friends to suffer with the knowledge that he had died intentionally, it just felt like after lying so much in his lifetime, it was only fair that he was honest.  And maybe he wanted someone to understand just how much of a struggle living had been for him.  Then, his death would seem like just as much of a blessing to them as it does to him.

So, he took some time to write a letter to his friends (though he understood now how one-sided this friendship must have been).  He adds a post script requesting that they look after his mother for him.  He knows that she will miss him more than anyone else (though it surely won’t be that different.  He had failed as a son, hardly ever visiting her or even sending her any money or goods to ease her life.  He added a line asking for his finances to go to her).  She will understand that this was the best way, just like they all would.  He can already imagine the sigh of relief that will flow through Camelot when it is released from bearing the burden that he had become (or perhaps had always been).

Merlin was just so tired of pretending to be fine when he felt like his soul had been torn from his chest, ripped into pieces, stomped on, burned, and shoved sloppily back into his chest, which still had a gaping hole in it so that more of his soul slipped out every day.  He didn’t want to live like this anymore, he _couldn’t_.  Watching the only person he needed from a distance, no longer even having the right to be by his side at all times as a servant.

He read over his note one last time, satisfied with results.  He signed his name at the bottom of the page and then stabbed his letter opener into it to keep it fixed to the desk.  His heart was racing when he pushed himself out of his chair, but Merlin couldn’t tell if it was with excitement or fear.

He made his way up the stairs, until he reached the bedroom.  Once again, his eye landed on the bed.  He should at least try it out once before he dies.  He smiled at a memory of himself once proclaiming to Arthur that he would sleep in a bed more comfortable than that prat’s if it was the last thing he did.  Perhaps that was why Arthur had instructed that it be included in his new chambers, as a kind of inside joke.  Merlin’s heart stung with the false hope that such thoughts always brought him.

Merlin stretched out across the bed, relishing the way it softly folded around his form, like an embrace.  Merlin burrowed under the softest sheets he had ever felt, and sank into a slumber he wished would never end.

_Merlin was lying in a field of grass as soft as clouds.  He heard a voice, both soothing and authoritative at the same time.  There was a flash of gold.  His soul whispered to him a single word._ Arthur… _He sat up and looked around.  There was nothing except a shimmering forest dancing in the breeze.  But just there… a single strand of red silk slipping between the trees.  He followed the thread back to find that it was wound tightly around his own little finger, the red looking too rich for his worthless flesh._

_He rose, slowly winding the silk around his hand as he followed it into the trees, wondering where it led.  The trees grew closer together the further he walked, blocking out the sun and plunging the world into darkness.  The friendly whispers of the wind turned into angry howls.  The laughter of the trees brushing against each other turned into hostile cackles.  The gentle caresses of the plants turned into treacherous lashes against his paper thin flesh.  His blood oozed from his wounds, black and grimy against the glowing red of the silk that now tangled around him as he struggled to find its other end._

_Suddenly he burst through the wall of the black forest and into a clearing.  In the center was a glowing lights so bright that he had to shield his eyes for a moment.  He blinked to soothe his watering eyes as he looked upon the glowing figure holding the silk strand in his hands, up to the glorious face haloed by his golden hair._ Arthur…  _He let the word slip from his lips, bleeding from a tear made by a stray branch across his face._

_Arthur smiled at him, and then pulled harshly with the red thread.  Merlin was knocked to his feet as the silk turned into a burning rope digging harshly into his raw flesh, trapping him.  Suddenly, there were more figures in the clearing.  Shadowed faces that once gave him comfort to see.  Each held a weapon, raised high above their heads as they approached him.  They descended upon him, each ripping a piece to take with them, laughing as he screamed._

 “STOP, PLEASE!” Merlin sat straight up in his bed, plastered with sweat and trembling violently.  He struggled with the sheets that were now tangled around his legs, trying to get up.  He fell out of the bed with a very loud bang, cracking his head hard enough to make his vision fade in and out for a few seconds.  Ignoring this discomfort, Merlin lurched to his feet and somehow made it up the stairs.

As soon as he was out, he rushed over to the wall where he had stood earlier.  Looking down, he felt himself calm down tremendously.  The night was dark and quiet, and the courtyard was empty.  Soon, everything would be over.

He stepped over the wall and onto the small ledge, marveling at the fact that his toes hung out over the edge.  Honestly, a stray gust of wind could probably finish the job for him.  He closed his eyes, spreading his arms out to the sides like a pair of wings.  He took a deep breath.

“Hey there, Merlin.  What are you doing over there?”  Merlin suddenly heard Gwaine’s voice piercing through his reverie.

“Nothing, Gwaine.”  Merlin answered briefly, lowering his arms, but not turning around.

“Really?  Because it looks to me like you’re planning on taking a little dive.”  Gwaine’s voice was calm, and a little bit chastising.

Merlin couldn’t help but feel a little ashamed.  “So what if I am?”

“I think you should reconsider.”  He said simply.

“Why?  It’s not like anyone even really wants me here.  They probably won’t even grieve.”

“You know that’s not true.”  Gwaine sounded angry now.

“Fine, so they will be upset, but everyone will get through it.”  Merlin said sharply, bitterly.  “The few people that I have left all have someone to look after them.  Gaius has Elizabeth, Arthur has Gwen, you have _everyone_ …”

“Merlin, I already to you that you’re the only friend I’ve got.”

“No I’m not, Gwaine!  You’re friends with everyone.  You lied when you told me I was your only friend, just like Arthur did!”  Merlin was crying now.  “Don’t you dare try to stop me!”  Merlin closed his eyes and took a deep breath to prepare himself.

“Fine.”  He heard Gwaine say, and then heard footsteps approaching him.

Merlin opened his eyes and looked over his shoulder to see Gwaine climbing over the wall to stand next to him.  Panic washed over him.

“What are you doing?”  His voice was shaking.

“If I can’t stop you, then I thought I might as well join you.  You really are my only friend, Merlin.  If you died, I would never forgive myself, so I’m just saving myself the suffering by dying with you.”

“Don’t be stupid, Gwaine.  You have no reason to jump.”

“Neither do you.”

“Don’t you make light of this!  You can’t even begin to understand the things I’ve had to endure, everything that I’ve sacrificed!”

“Maybe you could try to explain it to me.”

Merlin shook his head fiercely, tears running down his cheeks.

“Merlin, I’m not going to stand here all night.  There are two ways we can get down.  Why don’t you go ahead and pick and we’ll deal with everything else after.”

Merlin smiled to himself a little.  Gwaine must be bluffing.  But Merlin was going to call him on it.  He spread his arms again, and was a little surprised to see Gwaine imitating him.  Nevertheless, he began to lean forward, until he saw Gwaine lean forward as well, a little faster than Merlin, and lose his footing on the ledge.

“NO!”  Merlin’s eyes flashed gold as time slowed.  He lunged at Gwaine, pulling hard enough to send them tumbling back over the wall and crashing safely onto the roof and back into normal speed.

Gwaine smiled at Merlin from where he was pinned underneath the skinny man.  “Never knew you cared.”

Merlin just looked at him like he wanted to strangle him.  There was a moment of silence before they both started laughing.  Merlin was laughing so hard that he couldn’t breathe, and it took him a minute to figure out when his guffaws turned into sobs.

Once again, Gwaine held him while he sobbed.  It was a little awkward with Merlin straddling his hips, but Gwaine never complained once, not even when his legs went numb, not even when Merlin starting pounding his chest with his fist muttering a mantra of insults, threats, and hate, which was followed by a chain of apologies.

At some point, things had dissolved into Merlin laying half on top of Gwaine while Gwaine held him close and stroked his hair and face and back, soothing him with his caresses.  Merlin figured he should be embarrassed by the intimate cuddling, but all he could do was croak out a dried up and exhausted, “Why?”

“As hard as it must be for you to believe, you really are my only friend Merlin.”  Merlin opened his mouth to protest, but Gwaine cut him off.  “Do you really think all those people at the pubs count?  Even the knights…  Sure, we would all die for each other, but it’s more like… respect and obligation then true friendship.”

Merlin looked contemplative for a moment before he spoke quietly, “What about Arthur?  You guys sure looked like friends earlier today when I was leaving the training field.”

“Merlin,” Gwaine said in an incredulous tone, “Only you could think a good old fashioned scolding looked like friendship.  I got a lot of abuse at training for threatening to poison him if he didn’t lay off of you.”

“You… You were _defending_ me?  _Me_?”  Merlin sat up as far as he could with Gwaine’s arm wrapped around his waist so he could look Gwaine in the face.

Gwaine smiled fondly at him, cradling Merlin’s face in his calloused hand.  “Of course I did.  I care about you.”

Merlin felt the weight of the words wash over him.  “How much?”  He whispered so quietly he wasn’t even sure that Gwaine had heard.

“Enough to jump after you.  And enough to do this.”  And with that Gwaine leaned up, softly nestling his lips against Merlin’s.

And Merlin suddenly remembered how _good_ it felt to be needed, to be _wanted_.  He wondered if this is what Freya had felt like when he had kissed her.  Disbelieving, but wanting it all the same.  It felt like Merlin had just regained his sense of touch.  He let himself melt into Gwaine’s touch, enjoying the sensation of being connected to someone, the arm around his back and the hand on his cheek keeping him on earth and the lips against his making him want to stay there.

But he couldn’t escape forever.  There was darkness licking in to his thoughts at the edges, reminding him that he was in love with Arthur and that he was just using Gwaine.  Besides, Merlin was defective.

He pulled away, tucking his face against Gwaine’s chest, so that he didn’t have to look at Gwaine’s expression when he mumbled “I can’t.”

Gwaine sighed, using his hand, the hand that had moments ago been cradled loving against Merlin’s cheek, to comb through his hair.  “Yeah, you’re a bit out of my league, eh?”

Merlin jerked up to look at Gwaine’s face then, expecting to see his eyes twinkling from the tasteless joke.  He only saw sadness and resignation.

“You… You think that _I’m_ too good for _you_?” Merlin asked, truly flabbergasted.

Gwaine looked hard at him with an unreadable expression.  Merlin wished he could puzzle it out.  Was it anger, disappointment, sadness, or something else?  Merlin couldn’t even tell what the negative emotions were directed at.

“Merlin, I think all those years of working for Arthur really did damage your brain.  You’re definitely too good for me, and I can promise you that everyone else would agree.”

Merlin frowned at him.  “My brain is just fine, thank you very much.  And I think there might be something wrong with _your_ brain.”  He said, poking Gwaine in the forehead to reinforce his point.

Gwaine grabbed Merlin’s hand before he could pull it away and then swiftly rolled them both over so that he was now straddling Merlin.

“Merlin, you are not only the most powerful person in all of Albion, you are also the kindest, most intelligent, and most attractive.”  He smirked a little.  “Though the last one might just be personal preference.”

Merlin opened his mouth to argue, but Gwaine covered Merlin’s mouth with his free hand.  “I, on the other hand, am lazy, inconsiderate, and run from anything that resembles responsibility or commitment.  My only good point is my glorious hair.  Oh, and licking my hand isn’t going to make me move it.”  He moved his mouth to hover over Merlin’s ear, whispering, “I kind of like it.”

Merlin turned bright red, and stopped licking Gwaine’s palm as he had been moments ago.  Laughing, Gwaine removed his hand, wiping it off on his shirt.

Merlin took his chance to respond.  “Just because I have magic doesn’t make me good or smart or anything else. I’ve hurt people.  I’ve _killed_ people,” he added in a haunted whisper.

“I killed loads of people too, Merlin.  I just did it with a sword instead.”

Merlin just looked at him like he was stupid for not realizing that they were not the same crimes.  “You can’t even begin to comprehend how many lives I’ve ruined, how better off everyone would be without me.”  Merlin turned his face to the side then, not having the energy to watch Gwaine’s reaction.

“You’re right.  I can’t imagine that there’s anything you’ve done that could be bad enough to make me think less of you.  Besides, I’ve probably ruined more lives than you have.  I just never stick around long enough to watch the fall out.  And I certainly haven’t atoned for my actions by helping people, the way you have.”

Merlin didn’t even know how to respond except to say, “You just don’t understand.”

“Like I said before, why don’t you try to explain it to me?”  Gwaine placed his hand on Merlin’s cheek again, turning his head so that their eyes could meet.  “You can tell me all of the things that made you think jumping from a tower was a good idea, and for everything that you tell me, I will tell you a reason why you should keep living.  We don’t have to do it now, just whenever you feel overwhelmed.  Deal?”

Merlin felt breathless.  Gwaine was looking at him with so much love, he just couldn’t understand how someone could look at such a soiled, worthless person as himself with eyes like that.  There was a lump in his throat, and he could feel tears forming in his eyes.

“You’re such an idiot.”  He sobbed out, covering his face with his free hand, the other still clasped tightly in Gwaine’s steady, warm grip.  “You’re definitely too good for me.”

Merlin felt his hand being pried away from his tear soaked face, and look up to meet Gwaine’s warm eyes.  In that moment, Merlin felt like the sun could reach through the dark, cold water he had been drowning in for so long.

“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?”  Gwaine whispered huskily, once again pressing his lips against Merlin’s trembling lips, still salty from his tears.

Merlin once again found himself responding, basking in the tenderness of the kiss and the hands cradling him.  As Gwaine’s tongue tentatively licked along the seam of his lips, Merlin opened his mouth, simultaneously letting his eyes fall shut.  The kiss continued until they had to break for air.  Gwaine pressed their foreheads together so that their breath mingled.

Gwaine smiled down at Merlin.  “The princess doesn’t know what a fool he’s been.”

Merlin instantly stiffened.  “Who said anything about Arthur?  I didn’t- I don’t-”  He looked up at Gwaine’s knowing expression.  “Oh god, how obvious have I been?”

Gwaine had enough tact to look embarrassed.  “I wouldn’t necessarily say that you’ve been _obvious_ , so much that I might have been paying extra close attention to you…”

Merlin relaxed a little, but felt himself blushing from Gwaine’s embarrassing confession.  “Oh…”

“Yeah…”  Gwaine replied awkwardly, scratching the back of his head.

Once again they started giggling like idiots.  Gwaine laughed so hard he actually collapsed on his side next to Merlin.  This time, as their laughter died down, Merlin didn’t feel compelled to cry.  That didn’t mean he wasn’t emotionally and physically exhausted.  He was also suddenly reminded off the nasty bump on his head from his earlier tumble out of the bed.

“Ow…”  Merlin muttered, rubbing the bump.

Gwaine sat up to look Merlin’s head over.  “How’d you manage this?”

Merlin smiled a little.  “I fell out of bed.”

They shared another short laugh before Gwaine declared that Merlin should go to bed to “heal his battle wound faster.”  Merlin had to agree that he was fairly tired.

They descended the staircase, and, after Merlin climbed into bed and under the covers, Gwaine placed another gentle kiss on Merlin’s forehead.

Merlin watched Gwaine turn to leave, suddenly feeling desperate to make sure this hadn’t just been a one time thing.  “Wait!”

Gwaine looked back at him clearly a little surprised.

“Um…  I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Gwaine smiled brightly, and Merlin’s heart stopped for a second.  He didn’t think he would ever get used to how bright and warm Gwaine’s smile was.

“The princess… I suppose I should call him the queen now, but I don’t want to be disrespectful to the actual queen…  Anyway, he’s got us practicing every day for the next week as a punishment for me mouthing off to him today.  We only get a break to eat lunch at noon.”

“Then, I’ll bring lunch at noon.”

“I’ll look forward to it.  Sweet dreams, darling.”  Gwaine replied with a wink, sauntering out of the room.

Merlin groaned, feeling an odd concoction of emotions swirling around after his insane night.  He was too confused and too tired to deal with anything right then, so he just rolled over and waited for sleep to claim him, this time blessedly having no dreams.

Merlin woke feeling strangely at peace considering the fact that he had been prepared to kill himself a matter of hours ago.  His bed was comfortable, last night had been the first night in a while that he hadn’t had a nightmare, and he actually had some purpose today, even if it was a small one.  He had to keep his promise and bring Gwaine lunch.  For the first time in a long time, he was happy that it was a new day.

So with that thought, Merlin got out of bed to prepare for his day.  He approached his wardrobe, a little frustrated at the fine clothes.  They were too rich, too clean for him.  He didn’t deserve such clothes, and he would definitely look ridiculous in them.  He was somewhat relieved to realize that there were some moderately less fancy clothes further back in the wardrobe, along with some simple neckerchiefs, which Merlin had somehow managed to convince Arthur to let him keep wearing.

Thinking of Arthur sent a small jolt of pain through Merlin’s chest as he tied to neckerchief around his throat, perhaps a little too tightly.  He only just realized that he would have to face Arthur when he went to go visit Gwaine today.  His heart thumped nervously in his chest and he felt like he couldn’t quite catch his breath.

Merlin tried to calm himself as he descended the stairs to reach the entrance level of his tower.  He had spent every waking – and sleeping, in many cases, – moments with Arthur for years, and he had survived (sort of).  It was ridiculous to feel so concerned now.  He would just go to the kitchens, beg them to make him a nice picnic basket, and then head out to the practice field, simple as that.

But as Merlin actually did approach the field, it, of course, was not that simple.

Arthur spotted him right away, and waved him down with a smile, “ _Mer_ lin, I thought I told you to take a break.  Just couldn’t keep away from me, huh?”  Arthur gave him a hearty pat on the back, oblivious to Merlin’s obviously pained expression as he turned his attention to the basket in the warlock’s arms.  “Why Merlin, is that for me?”

As Arthur began to reach his hand in to take a shiny apple, Merlin pulled the basket out of reach.  “Actually…”  He began, before being interrupted by a cheery shout.

“Merlin!”  Gwaine trotted up, bracing himself on his knees as he caught his breath and wiped a sheen of sweat from his brow.  “Right on time!  I’m starving.  Let’s go!”

He took the basket from Merlin’s arms, leaving Merlin to carry only the light-weight blanket he had brought to sit on, and began walking away from the field.

Merlin turned to look at Arthur who literally had his jaw dropped in shock.  “You brought lunch for _Gwaine_?  Not for me?”

Somehow, Merlin felt like this was a turning point in his relationship with Arthur based on how he responded.  He could make light of it, as though he lost a bet to Gwaine, leaving it clear that Gwaine was not as important as Arthur; he could promise Arthur to bring him lunch next time, leaving things a bit ambiguous; but Merlin, in the moment, knew what he had to say for his own sake.

Merlin had based his entire existence on Arthur, and it had been so painful for him, because no matter what he sacrificed for Arthur, it would never make a difference.  Arthur had chosen Gwen, all the while stringing Merlin along with false-hope and ambiguous confessions.  Even though it made his chest physically ache to think about, Merlin realized that perhaps the only way for him to survive would be to cut off his ties with Arthur and devote himself to Gwaine, someone who looked at him like he was more precious than air.

So, he tried to mold his features into a glare as he scoffed at Arthur, merely stating, “Not everything is about you, you _prat_ ,” as he turned on his heel and ran after Gwaine, not even taking enjoyment from the fact that he literally left Arthur speechless.


	2. One Step at a Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin's depression doesn't go away overnight. But with Gwaine's help, Merlin feels like things may actually get better.

While Gwaine happily devoured the lunch that Merlin had put together for the two of them, Merlin just pulled grapes from a bunch, dropping them onto the blanket one at a time.  He could feel Arthur's glare digging into him from across the training field, and looked up to see the king unhappily eating a nutritious yet bland meal served by George.  Merlin gulped and quickly turned back to find that Gwaine had stopped eating.

 

"Is the princess bothering you?  I would offer to go beat him up for you, but I think the other knights might kill me if he punished us with more trainings like this." Gwaine said with a deceptively jovial tone

 

Merlin responded with a wobbly smile.  "No, I'm fine, really.  It just might take some getting used to..."

 

"I won't be convinced that you're really fine until I see you eat something.  Come on, let's see how many of these grapes you can catch in your mouth."  Gwaine winked before he started tossing grapes at Merlin's face in rapid succession, causing the other man to laugh.

 

"Gwaine!  Stop it!"  Merlin giggled, trying to block the grapes with his hands.  "You can't expect me to catch them while you're throwing them so quickly!"

 

Gwaine stopped his barrage of attacks, looking expectantly at Merlin, who dutifully opened his mouth to continue their game properly.  Now, Gwaine tossed the grapes one at a time with Merlin moving back and forth to catch them.  After the last grape bounced off of Merlin's chin and rolled away into the dirt, Gwaine dove into the basket to find a new item to continue their game.  Smiling wickedly, he pulled out a large piece of bread and shoved the whole thing in Merlin's mouth.  Merlin sputtered, spitting the bread out before trying to shove the very same piece of bread into Gwaine's mouth in retaliation, resulting in the two rolling around on the ground wrestling.

 

Arthur looked on with incredulity.  Finding that he no longer had an appetite, he grumbled and shoved his unfinished lunch into George's ever-waiting hands.  His disgust grew as he watched Gwaine willfully eat the slobbery piece of bread with Merlin laughing harder still.  Finally fed up, he jumped up from his seat.

 

“BREAK TIME IS OVER!”  He roared to the resting knights, many of whom still looked winded from the morning’s exercise.

 

While the knights groaned in response, Merlin nearly jumped out of his skin, and frantically started shoving everything back into his basket.  He stood hurriedly and turned to leave the field, only to be stopped by a warm hand on his wrist.  Merlin looked up and locked eyes with Gwaine.

 

“I’ll see you later.  But for now, here’s something for the road.”  Gwaine smiled and then pressed his lips against Merlin’s.

 

Merlin closed his eyes and just let himself feel the gentleness of Gwaine’s lips for a moment.  He barely even noticed the whoops and whistles from the other knights, but one voice rose out above the rest and made Merlin step away like he’d been burned.

 

“ _Mer_ lin!” Arthur was staring at Merlin and Gwaine with what Merlin could only interpret as revulsion.

 

Everyone stood stock still and silent for what must have been only a few seconds, but god if it didn’t just feel like _years_ to Merlin.  Then, face ablaze, Merlin took off running back to the castle.

 

* * *

 

  

Merlin didn’t stop running until he was out of view of the training field, then he braced his back on a wall and stood gripping his chest with one hand and panting.  The look on Arthur’s face…  Merlin’s chest ached more than he thought possible.  He didn’t think it was possible for Arthur to break his heart more than he had when he’d chosen Gwen over Merlin, but this was infinitely worse.  Merlin may not have been Arthur’s favorite, but he’d never been truly hated by Arthur before.

 

Not even realizing that he’d started walking, Merlin suddenly found himself outside the door to his chambers.

 

_No_ , he thought to himself. _These are only Gaius’ chambers now.  I don’t belong here anymore._

 

Merlin turned away and slowly made his way to his isolated tower, crawled up the stairs, and collapsed on his too-soft bed.  So soft that the mattress barely moved, even as Merlin’s body shook violently with sobs.  After some time, he seemed to dry up and then just curled into himself and stared numbly at the wall.

 

This is how Gwaine found him hours later, well after the sun had set, with no candles lit.  Without a word, Gwaine sighed gently and climbed on the bed, wrapping himself around Merlin’s back and pulling a soft blanket over the two of them.

 

“You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to, but our deal still stands.  We’ll take things one step at a time, and trade the bad for the good.” Gwaine said is hushed tones, soothing Merlin’s frazzled nerves.

 

Merlin didn’t say anything for a while.  Then he finally choked out, “He _hates_ me,” and started crying anew.

 

“That’s not true!  Arthur cares for you dearly, but his very few talents do not include competence in expressing emotions, I’m afraid.  He was just surprised today, is all.  If anything, the princess is furious at me for stealing you away and defiling the chaste and pure Court Sorcerer.”

 

Merlin’s sobs were broken apart by laughter. “Chaste and pure?  Me?”

 

“Are you going to try to convince me that you’re truly lascivious, dear Merlin?”

 

Merlin chuckled, tears finally having stopped. “I might be…  After all, no one suspected that I was really an evil sorcerer all these years.”

 

Now Gwaine laughed, his laughter rumbling through his chest and reverberating across Merlin’s back.

 

They laid in silence for several more moments, and Merlin felt the quiet baring down on him until he could barely breathe.  “It’s so quiet here.  It’s lonely…” his whispered.

 

Gwaine didn’t answer him.  Instead, he slowly began humming a soft melody, chasing away the oppressive silence, and lulling Merlin into a peaceful sleep.

  

* * *

 

Merlin woke up slowly, enjoying the feeling of his bed and the bright sunlight shining on him.  That is, until it occurred to him that the sun shouldn’t have been shining so brightly so early in the morning.  He sat bolt upright, realizing that he had slept in entirely too late.  He was also surprised to realize that he was alone in bed – barely stopping to think about the implications of being so comfortable with Gwaine sleeping in his bed already.  As his eyes traced the bed where Gwaine was last night, his attention landed on a note.

 

_My dearest Merlin,_

_Sorry to leave before you woke up, but I hope you enjoyed sleeping in for once.  Believe me when I say that I would have loved to spend the whole day in bed with you, but unfortunately the princess’ reign of terror rages on today.  I’ll look forward to seeing you in your official Court Sorcerer outfit at today’s council meeting._

_With love,_

_Gwaine_

A smile grew on Merlin’s face as he read the note, though he did frown a little when he read Gwaine’s last sentence.  As far as he was aware, Arthur didn’t have any plans for meetings in the next several days.  As he was thinking this, he heard a knock from his office below.

 

He descended the stairs and opened the door to find a page boy that he recognized from his years as a servant waiting nervously outside.

 

“Hullo, Mer- uh…  I mean ‘sir.’”

 

Merlin chuckled, “It’s okay, Thom, no need for the formality.  I don’t feel much like a noble anyhow.”

 

Thom looked a bit uncomfortable but pressed on.  “I was sent to inform you that the King is calling a meeting for his closest councilors in half an hour, sir.”

 

Merlin sighed, realizing he would have to get used to being treated differently. “Alright, thank you, Thom.  I’ll head over there shortly.”

 

Merlin closed the door as Thom scurried off, and went back upstairs to his wardrobe, resigning himself to the fact that he’d have to wear something formal if he wanted any hope of appeasing Arthur.  Though, thinking back to Gwaine’s note, there might be someone else at the meeting to appreciate Merlin’s clothing.  Feeling a bit more excited, Merlin dug into the piles of frippery until he uncovered a particularly appealing article.  It was a rich violet velvet overcoat with billowing sleeves and tails embellished with a sparkling silver thread.

 

Merlin’s felt himself hesitate, wanting to put it away and find something more modest.  This was too fine for him, and he felt silly for even thinking about putting it on.  He’d look completely ridiculous, like a child playing dress up.  And yet…

 

He thought about how Gwaine looked at him with the sun in his eyes like he was a precious gemstone, even in rags with hair mussed.  How might Gwaine look at him if he wore something like this, Merlin wondered as his fingers stroked the delicate fabric, and Merlin decided he’d like to find out.

 

With determination, Merlin pulled out a red shirt, black trousers, and shining black boots to accompany the overcoat and got dressed.  He found that he only had a small hand mirror, which didn’t allow him to see himself in the outfit, but it was enough for him to comb his hair into some semblance of order.

 

With heart pounding in a nauseating combination of dread and excitement, Merlin left his room and headed into the hallway, for a single moment grateful that no one occupied the rooms surrounding his.  He miraculously didn’t encounter much of anyone until he reached his destination, where guards waited on either side of the doors.  Eyes glued to the ground, Merlin didn’t see their reactions as they looked him over and opened the doors for him.  Merlin took a final deep breath before walking into the council chambers, head held high.

 

“Ah, how good of you to finally join us, Merlin.” Arthur said as he heard the familiar shuffling footsteps of his former servant.  He turned to look at Merlin and halted, jaw dropping. “Merlin!  You look…  you look…”

 

Merlin found it hard to keep his eyes from the floor as everyone turned to look at him as well.  Everyone seemed thunderstruck, and Merlin felt his face burning.  He sought out Gwaine’s eyes in the small crowd.  When he found them, he gasped inaudibly.

 

Gwaine’s brown eyes shone with so much adoration that Merlin felt his own eyes well up in response, though he managed to keep his emotions in check.

 

“You look absolutely stunning, Merlin.”  Gwaine finished the sentence that Arthur had started.

 

Arthur coughed.  “Yes, well, I was just going to say that you looked rather regal, surprisingly.  Perhaps there’s hope for you yet.  Everyone stop gawking and sit down.”

 

As everyone shuffled to sit down, Gwen moved up next to Merlin and whispered conspiratorially to him.  “It feels so strange to wear expensive clothing at first, doesn’t it?  You really do look handsome.”

 

Merlin felt warmed by Gwen’s statement, and it was easy for him to remember why she had been his first friend in Camelot.  Merlin found a seat had been left for him between Arthur and Gwaine, for which he felt just a bit conflicted.

 

“Now, I’ve asked you all here to discuss Merlin’s idea for his first act as Court Sorcerer.”

 

“ _My_ idea?”  Merlin asked, looking at Arthur in shock.

 

“No need to be modest, Merlin.  Gwaine told me all about it this morning.” Arthur briefly scowled before hiding it with his business face.

 

“That’s right,” chimed in Gwaine brightly.  “I was telling the princess about how you confided in me last night that you were unhappy with how many unoccupied rooms were going to waste in the wing of the castle where the Court Sorcerer’s quarters reside, and how you thought it might be good to put them to use.”

 

Everyone’s eyes turned to Merlin expectantly, though he was still staring at Gwaine with appreciation bubbling in his chest.  Gwaine nudged him with his elbow, and Merlin finally turned to the rest of the table with wide eyes.

 

“Uh, yeah, that’s right.  It seems silly that there are so many perfectly good rooms sitting empty.  I feel like we should offer the rooms as free living quarters for some of the serving staff, or perhaps even offer them as housing for some of our citizens that don’t have the financial means to support themselves.”

 

“That’s a wonderful idea!”  Gwen clapped her hands together in front of her.  “I know when I was still a servant, it was difficult for me to afford a house in town and having a place to live in the palace would have eased our struggle.”

 

Elyan nodded from where he sat at the table.  A lively discussion was started about the merits of such a plan, who would be considered, how could they maintain the security of the castle, and other such logistics.  As the table ultimately voted in favor of a plan that had been written up, Merlin beamed at Gwaine.  Without realizing, he had started to lean towards Gwaine, and their faces drifted closer.

 

“For shame, Merlin!”

 

Again, Arthur’s exclamation pulled Merlin suddenly out of his moment with Gwaine, and he flushed, realizing that he has almost kissed Gwaine in front of so many people in such a formal meeting.

 

“Oh hush, Arthur.  I think it’s sweet.”  Gwen put her hand on Arthur’s arm and smiled warmly at Merlin.

 

“But they can’t just…  Have some decency!  Merlin, you’re a noble now, you can’t go kissing just anybody, let alone _Gwaine_.”  Arthur just looked so scandalized, that Merlin finally started to believe that maybe it was like Gwaine said.  Arthur didn’t hate Merlin, but rather the idea of Gwaine stealing his virtue.  The whole situation was just so surreal.

 

A hysterical giggle burst from Merlin’s lips before he even realized it was coming.  Arthur turned to look at him as though he had been betrayed.  Merlin couldn’t stop himself as he dissolved into a true fit of laughter, with many of the knights joining him in good spirits.

 

“ _Meeeeerlin_.”  Arthur practically whined at him.

 

“I’m sorry.”  Merlin panted, fighting back giggles.  “It’s just that you’re behaving like a father defending his daughter’s honor from a vagrant.”

 

Arthur sighed dramatically, fighting back a smile himself.  “Well, it seems like I was wrong about there being hope for you after all.”  Arthur ruffled Merlin’s hair as he dismissed the council.

 

A few days later, as Merlin was working in his office to sort some of the magical documents that had been recovered so far, he could hear the sounds of people shuffling around and talking in the corridor outside.  He smiled.


	3. Idle Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin hits some bumps on the road to recovery as he discovers that idle time is his worst enemy.

The next couple months were _good_ for Merlin, and he couldn't remember the last time that had been true.  He'd been kept busy uncovering magical artifacts and documents from various archives and hidden chambers deep in the bowels of the castle, items that had managed to survive the Great Purge.  It had also taken some time to sort everything out and store everything securely.  All of this work took place in his office, with the voices of his neighbors carrying through the door as a pleasant background noise, and his office became a bit of a mess with papers scattered far and wide.

 

Some of his new neighbors had even stopped by to thank him personally for their new lodgings, bringing him homemade goods such as pastries and knickknacks.  Despite being extremely embarrassed by all the attention, it still warmed his heart.  The knickknacks now decorated his desk and shelves, and any baked goods were shared with Gwaine during their regular lunches and nighttime visits - it was only fair, after all, as the idea had truly been Gwaine's to begin with.

 

Merlin's relationship with Arthur even seemed to be improving, founded on their history together but made wholly new by a mutual respect now that Merlin no longer had any terrible secrets to hide.  They frequently met outside of the council sessions for one-on-one meetings.  Typically, these meetings occurred when Arthur was faced with a particularly difficult situation related to magic that he sought Merlin's expert advise to solve.  However, Merlin also discovered that Arthur sometimes just came to vent his frustrations as he used to when they were still master and servant.  Once in a while Arthur just wanted to spend casual social time together, eating dinner or drinking, often with Gwen and Gwaine joining them.  Sometimes, when Arthur was just a bit too friendly or his smile too dazzling, Merlin would find himself wondering at what might have been.  But while these kinds of thought used to be quite invasive for Merlin, he now found them to be just passing thoughts.

 

He was happy with Gwaine, truly and completely happy with him.  Now that he was in good relationship, Merlin began to think that he hadn't necessarily been in love with Arthur so much as obsessed, in love with the idea of him and convinced that being two sides of the same coin meant that they were destined for each other in every way.  For once, Merlin was not reliant on destiny to dictate his life, and so he chose Gwaine on his own.

 

Merlin and Gwaine had been enjoying each others' company immensely, rapidly gaining a reputation around the castle for being inseparable.  One night found Gwaine and Merlin sitting in his office, Gwaine reading while Merlin finished making some edits to Arthur's speech to announce a new peace agreement with a neighboring kingdom that had long protested Camelot's genocide of magical beings.  There was a pesky piece of hair that kept falling into Merlin's eye no matter how many times he blew it away.  He finally pushed it away with the back of his hand, letting out a huff out air.  Not long after he heard a deep rumble of laughter coming from Gwaine.

 

"What?"  Merlin asked, a puzzled giggle coming out of his mouth in response.

 

"You've just smeared ink all over your forehead, darling."  Gwaine replied, getting up to retrieve a nearby pitcher of water and cloth, which he used to gently start wiping the ink away.  "Your hair's getting longer."

 

Merlin watched Gwaine with a fond grin.  "I was thinking that I'd like to let it grow out a bit."

 

Gwaine threaded his fingers through Merlin's dark hair, tugging it playfully as he brought their faces together. "I think that sounds like a lovely idea."

 

Merlin was the one to close the distance and press their lips together.  "I'm pretty much done here, if you're ready for bed.  I don't think that I could make Arthur sound much smarter without completely rewriting it myself."

 

Gwaine helped Merlin out of his seat and they both headed up the stairs and snuggled up in bed before drifting to sleep happily in each others' arms.

 

* * *

 

 

A week later, Merlin stood on the steps of the castle leading down into the courtyard, where several horses laden with supplies awaited knights clad in full armor and bright red capes.  Merlin frowned down at Gwaine, who stood a couple steps below.

 

"Are you sure that you have to go on this stupid hunting trip?" Merlin said almost petulantly.

 

"Are you sure that you don't want to join us?"  Gwaine responded with a smirk.

 

"You know that I hate hunting trips.  I don't understand why Arthur needs to bring so many knights."

 

"Keeping the princess safe is a difficult job, as you well know."  Gwaine winked at him.

 

Merlin sighed.  "Yes, well, promise me that _you_ will come back safely as well."

 

"I promise."  Gwaine replied gently, pressing a chaste kiss to Merlin's forehead, followed by one to each cheek before he finally kissed Merlin on the lips. "I'll be back soon."

 

Farewells we issued, and the troupe rode out in a fluttering wave of red that burned an afterimage into Merlin's eyes as he stared at the empty courtyard until he alone was left.

 

* * *

 

 

Merlin shuffled forlornly back to his chambers, uncomfortably aware of how empty they looked without Gwaine perched in the chair by the fireplace.  Shaking himself out of his gradually darkening thoughts, Merlin turned to his desk, planning to do some work to keep his mind occupied.  After only a couple of hours, Merlin discovered that he had finished all of the tasks set for him by Arthur before the king had departed.  On top of that, he had finished going through everything from the archives a few days prior.  Feeling restless, Merlin thought that maybe he should have sorted the tomes and artifacts by purpose and type of magic, rather than alphabetically by name, and then maybe he'd clean his office.  The rearrangement of his library took several hours, and Merlin didn't realize that morning had already come until a servant knocked on the door to deliver breakfast.

 

He looked down at the platter of food - enough for two - and found that he didn't have an appetite, nor the energy to eat.  Indeed, he felt like the fervent energy that had overcome him the previous evening must have depleted everything he had.  With that thought, he managed to muster enough strength to drag himself upstairs, into his sleep clothes, and into bed.

 

Merlin didn't move from the bed when the servants came to retrieve the breakfast dishes, nor when they attempted to deliver lunch and then dinner.  He could scarcely will himself up to make use of the chamber pot.  After two full days of refusing food and ignoring the increasingly concerned voices that called to him from below, Merlin was startled awake by a rough shake, opening his eyes to see his old guardian looking down at him with a concerned frown.  Behind Gaius stood Queen Guinevere, who had unshed tears in her eyes.

 

"Gaius? Gwen?"  Merlin's voice rasped, rusty from disuse already.

 

"Oh Merlin!"  Gwen wailed, lunging at him to hug him.  He awkwardly patted her back, looking weakly over to Gaius.

 

"You've given everyone quite a fright, my boy.  What on earth were you thinking, refusing to eat when you're ill?  I should like to think I taught you better than that."  Gaius scolded him, ushering Gwen out of the way to examine the warlock.  "Now what ever is the matter?"

 

Merlin had no way of explaining the overwhelming sadness and exhaustion that he was experiencing for seemingly no reason, so he just answered as simply and truthfully as he could. "I'm tired and I don't have an appetite."

 

"Hmm, well you don't seem to be suffering from much of a fever, so I imagine this will pass in a few days.  I'll leave you a potion for nausea, and I'll ask that the kitchens send up some simple broths for you.  If I find out that you aren't eating everything they bring, I won't hesitate to order a knight to hold you down while I shove a funnel down your throat."

 

With that said, Gaius gently patted him on the head, and Gwen gave him another hug, before they both left him be to go back to sleep.  Merlin watched numbly, knowing that the potion would not help.

 

* * *

 

 

Apparently, Gaius had specifically requested that George look after Merlin, knowing that the extremely precise servant would follow his care instructions down to the last letter.  And so, after three days off being forced to choke down broth that tasted like ashes in his mouth and left him feeling queasy and bloated, Merlin was bullied down the stairs and into one of the cushioned chairs in the library.

 

"I've been instructed that you require fresh air to recover, my lord." George stated as he pushed open the massive window near the chair Merlin sat it. "I have also been informed that you prefer peace and quiet when ill, so I will take my leave if you do not require further assistance, my lord."

 

Merlin simply shook his head no, but remained otherwise still as George bowed deeply and departed.  He took in a shaky breath, relieved to be alone, but wishing he could just curl back up in bed and never wake up again.  Part of Merlin recognized the familiar depression, but he couldn't seem to access any memories of how to cope with it at the moment.  It somehow felt more severe now, in contrast to his recent happiness, than it had when he'd been so lost for months and years.  He felt disheartened at the idea that his joy would always be fleeting, and this desolation was inevitable.  Merlin felt panic rising in his throat, suffocating him, leaving him gasping for air.

 

He lunged out of the chair over to the open window, panting in the cool night air and he gripped the stones of the sill.  He shakily tried to take deep breaths, as he stared transfixed at the courtyard below.  Merlin was hypnotized by swirls of red, breathing gradually calming, and body starting to lean farther still out the open window.

 

Suddenly, there were arms around Merlin's chest pulling him far away from the window.

 

"Merlin!  What the ever-living fuck were you doing?"  Gwaine shouted, whipping Merlin around to look him in the face.  Merlin stared back, eyes wide with shock, seeing not anger in Gwaine's gaze but fear.  Realization dawned on Merlin like a cold stone dropping in his stomach.

 

"Oh my god, no, I wasn't- I didn't mean to- I was just-"  Merlin didn't even know how to begin to convince Gwaine that he wasn't trying to kill himself.  "I needed fresh air." He finished lamely, eyes on the floor.

 

Gwaine didn't answer for a while, but his grip on Merlin tightened.  Merlin kept his eyes on the floor until crystalline droplets crashed into his line of sight.  He whipped his head up to see that Gwaine was crying.

 

"I was so scared that I wouldn't make it in time this time." Gwaine released his grip on the man's arms, to pull him into a fierce hug instead, blubbering fat wet tears into Merlin's chest.  "I can't lose you, Merlin.  Please."

 

Merlin felt himself starting to cry, too.  He hugged Gwaine back finally, whispering "You won't, I promise."

 

After a while of hushed condolences from both sides, the two men retired to bed, the atmosphere somber.  Gwaine was thinking that he shouldn't have left Merlin alone when he knew the warlock was in a fragile state of mind.  Merlin was thinking that he could try to live for Gwaine on days that he didn't have the will himself.

 

After lying in silence for several minutes, Merlin felt like he had to try to explain himself one more time.  "I really wasn't _trying_ to kill myself this time, though I was a bit out of sorts.  Once I found myself with so much time on my hands, nothing to do, no one to see...  I suppose you could say that I relapsed."

 

Gwaine shifted over to hold Merlin, and Merlin could feel that the knight was still trembling.  "How bad was it?"

 

"Well, Gaius had to send George to make me eat..."  Merlin responded dryly.

 

"So pretty bad, then." Gwaine responded in turn.  "It's to be expected Merlin.  These things take time.  We'll keep working on it, one day at a time."

 

"One day at a time." Merlin agreed, lacing their fingers together.


	4. Gut Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An interlude from Gwaine's perspective.

Gwaine never really liked to consider himself rash, as many people were wont to call him; he just listened to his gut instincts, and they had never led him astray.  It was instinct that had kept him alive for so many years, living life to the fullest, and it was thanks to that very same instinct that he had met Merlin all those years ago.

 

He could still remember the first moment that he’d lain eyes on the man.  Merlin had walked through the door to the tavern with Arthur, laughing at something, impossibly blue eyes sparkling and fair skin gleaming in the sunlight.  Gwaine would definitely confess that he’d been immediately attracted to him, so he’d kept an eye and ear on the pair once they sat down.

 

He smiled behind his flagon when the owner of the bar had hit on Merlin instead of his arrogant companion, appreciating Merlin’s attitude.  Naturally, he’d been even more keen on Merlin after witnessing him laughing in the face of the thieving brute that came to terrorize the tavern, despite Merlin’s lanky build, so he followed his gut when it told him to join the fray.  Some might argue that a knife in the leg and a mild concussion were signs to think things through, but Gwaine would argue that waking up in Merlin’s bed had been a much larger sign that his instincts were spot on.

 

Spending more time with Merlin had revealed him to be kind, generous, sarcastic, clever, and a bit naïve.  Gwaine didn’t think it was possible for any one person to be so perfect in both personality and appearance, but there was Merlin to prove him wrong.  Add to this that Merlin could relate to Gwaine’s own tragic past, and Gwaine knew that Merlin would always be incredibly important to him.  Which is why Gwaine would happily accept any punishment to protect Merlin, even banishment.  He knew deep down that they would surely meet again.

 

Meet again they did, in a stupendous flurry of activity that left them both laughing, no concern to the danger that they were in.  When Merlin asked for his help, Gwaine didn’t hesitate to agree.  Now more than ever, that warmth in his chest told him that Merlin was his one and only true friend.

 

Gwaine couldn’t pinpoint the day when these platonic feelings had transformed into romantic love.  It wasn’t a dramatic realization that struck him out of the blue, nor was it tied to any particular event.  It was more like a gradual metamorphosis.  His feelings didn’t so much grow stronger as they did evolve, for he had loved Merlin just as fiercely as a friend.

 

Of course, Gwaine knew that Merlin was in love with Arthur.  It was painfully obvious to him, with all of the meaningful stares, veiled conversations, and self-sacrificial behaviors.  However, it was just as obvious to Gwaine that Arthur would never return Merlin’s feelings, whether it be out of a lack of romantic interest in his servant or a sense of duty to marry a woman and produce an heir.  Regardless, it caused a deep ache in Gwaine’s chest to watch Merlin suffer in his unreciprocated feelings.

 

Therefore, he decided to remain as Merlin’s close friend, rather than reveal his own feelings.  Gwaine would be happy so long as Merlin was, he told himself.

 

* * *

 

 

Everyone had been shocked when Merlin had confessed to being a warlock.  Everyone except Gwaine, that is.  He told them, a bit confused, that he had known for quite some time and had assumed that everyone else had known as well, for Merlin was not very inconspicuous about the whole thing.  Turns out, maybe he was the only one that watched Merlin that closely, but no one else questioned his own knowledge.  The warlock himself had doubled over in laughter at Gwaine’s perplexed face, and Gwaine joined him gladly.

 

* * *

 

 

Merlin didn’t smile much after the final battle with Morgana.  In fact, he seemed barely conscious, following Arthur blank-faced, and only showing any emotion when he was directly addressed.  Gwaine knew that Merlin was depressed and worried about the severity of it.  He’d seen his own mother descend into a deep depression after the death of his father, and he’d lost more than one drinking buddy to suicide.

 

So he kept an even closer watch on Merlin but did not approach him yet, not wanting to spook him.  During the ceremony to appoint Merlin Court Sorcerer, Gwaine had barely maintained his composure when he’d seen Merlin start crying.  At the subsequent banquet, Gwaine had unfortunately been seated far away from Merlin, leaving him out of sight for the next few hours.  He’d lagged behind when the crowd cleared out, looking this way and that for Merlin, only to find him collapsed on the floor.  Gwaine pulled him up, and held the man as he wept.  Wishing he could offer more comfort, Gwaine settled for prattling on about whatever came to mind, remembering that his mother told him it helped when he talked to her even if she didn’t not feel like talking back.

 

Gwaine was glad when Merlin asked him to stay the night, hoping that it would offer the man some comfort as he slept.  He was startled the next morning when Merlin had shoved him from the room, feeling like a chunk of ice was lodged in his stomach because of the dread he felt at upsetting him.

 

Merlin had seemed somewhat more composed when Gwaine spotted him approaching the training grounds to speak with Arthur.  He’d begun to trot over to check on the warlock, only to see the smile fall of his face and watch him hurry back to the castle.

 

“Oi!  Princess!”  Gwaine shouted, running over to Arthur.

 

“Gwaine, how many times do I have to tell you that that’s no way to address your king?”  Arthur asked, barely managing to sound peeved.

 

Gwaine ignored him.  “What did you say to Merlin?  He looked miserable.”

 

“What?”  Arthur seemed genuinely surprised.

 

“Don’t play dumb!  You upset him _again_ , and I’m about at my limit.”  Gwaine poked Arthur in the chest with enough force to push him back a step.

 

“Know your place.  Firstly, it’s none of your concern how I speak to anyone.”  Arthur thrust his finger in Gwaine’s face in retaliation, “Secondly, I told Merlin to take the day off, so you can sod right off.”

 

Gwaine grabbed Arthur’s hand in a bruising grip and pulled it away from his face.  “You’re an arse.”

 

Arthur gaped at him before his eyebrows furrowed in anger.  “I beg your pardon.”

 

“You’re so far up your own ass that you don’t even see how much your hurt him, do you?”

 

Arthur wilted a bit, and Gwaine thought that Arthur might be more aware than he let on.  However, Arthur’s rage quickly came back in full force.

 

“I suggest that you apologize to me, or there will be consequences.”

 

“Do your worst, clotpole.”  Gwaine crossed his arms.

 

“EVERYONE LISTEN UP!  Starting today, you’ll all be doing double the number of reps for all training exercises.”  The reaction was a mixture of gasps, groans, and stunned silence. “You can thank your friend Gwaine here.”

 

Arthur patted Gwaine’s cheek, and moved to sit on a bench in the shade to watch the training.

 

* * *

 

 

Gwaine was still panting from the rigorous activity as he gladly wiped the sweat off his body with a rag and a basin of cold water.  He rushed to dry himself so that he could go check on Merlin.  There had been a sickening nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach since he’d seen Merlin’s dejected face earlier that day.

 

He rushed to Gauis’ chambers to find Merlin, only to be informed that Merlin no longer lived there.  His panic was rapidly rising, and he ran out of the room as far as his exhausted muscles would let him.  Gwaine had to slow to a walk for the last few hallways, and _why did Merlin’s new quarters have to be on the other side of the bloody castle???_

 

Finally reaching the door reading “Court Sorcerer” in elegant font that glimmered against the darkness of the hallway, Gwaine frantically knocked on the door.  When he did not immediately receive an answer, he tested the knob to find the door unlocked.  He only took enough time to see if Merlin was in the first room before heading up and up and up until he was outside.

 

Where Merlin stood over the parapet, preparing to jump…

 

He followed his gut all the way out here, and he would sure as hell follow it over the edge with his love if he had to.

 

Gratefully, it had not come to that, and what must have been the worst night of Gwaine’s life had started some of the happiest months of his life.

 

If Gwaine had loved Merlin before, then he didn’t have the vocabulary to describe how he somehow felt more strongly for the warlock with every passing day.

 

* * *

 

 

Gwaine’s gut screamed at him as he rode out of the courtyard with the other knights for their hunting trip, and away from Merlin.  Something bad was going to happen, he was sure, but for once duty forced him to go against his instincts.

 

Every day they were away, Gwaine felt the nagging feeling dig deeper and deeper until he could scarcely breathe.  His irritation was spreading, rapidly putting everyone else on edge.  Finally sick of the unbearable tension, Arthur ordered an end to the failed hunting trip, and they set out for home.

 

Ignoring shouted orders from behind him, Gwaine clambered onto his horse and rushed off ahead of his companions, praying that nothing had happened and that he was worrying over nothing. _If anything happened to Merlin…_

 

Gwaine couldn’t even entertain the idea.  He kicked his horse to get it to run faster.

 

* * *

 

 

Sheer terror was the only way to describe how Gwaine had felt when he’d seen Merlin leaning almost completely out that window.  Once the adrenaline had faded, all he could feel was guilt for leaving Merlin alone against his better judgement.

 

After Merlin had fallen asleep that night, Gwaine had allowed himself to cry in earnest.

 

“I can’t lose you.”  He whispered against Merlin’s hair, repeating his words from earlier.  “Not you, too.”  His voice broke, and he began bawling.  “Not you, too…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope no one was too disappointed that this chapter didn't follow the same format as the others. The next chapter will get back to the main plot.


	5. Missions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwaine and Merlin focus on their new mission to keep Merlin busy, and Merlin has some honest conversations with Arthur and Gwaine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bit of a light chapter after all the angst. Angst returns next chapter!

Keep Merlin busy.  That was Gwaine and Merlin’s latest mission.

 

They’d learned the hard way that Merlin’s mental state deteriorated quickly if he were left to his own devises for too long, and so they decided to broach the topic at another Round Table council meeting.

 

“Alright, _Mer_ lin,” Arthur called the meeting to a start with a commanding voice.  “Why did you request this meeting today?”

 

Merlin cleared his throat nervously, still unaccustomed to the authority that he carried as Court Sorcerer.  “Well, I was hoping to discuss my job title actually.  It’s been quite some time since Camelot had a Court Sorcerer, and the world of magic is drastically different in these times when magic is returning to the land after the Terrible Purge.”

 

Merlin refused to refer to it as the “Great Purge,” nauseated by those positive connotations that were used to celebrate the genocide of magical beings.

 

“I would like to open the floor for discussion on what the role of Court Sorcerer should entail in the modern era.”

 

Arthur was looking at him with an inscrutable emotion, that Merlin almost thought could have been pride.  “Merlin, that’s quite astute for you.  Most of us in this room have no memory of previous Court Sorcerers, but I think we might be able to use that to our advantage.  We will not be confined by preconceptions of what the traditional roles once were.”

 

Everyone in the room rose to the occasion, bringing up various issues and suggestions that were noted and discussed.

 

Elyan was first to speak.  “If I might…  After all of the atrocities committed against magic users, many are still suffering the effects and are reluctant to return to Camelot or to practice magic openly.  I can’t imagine anything so important as making reparations and solidify peace with the magical populations.

 

Leon followed. “It’s come to my attention that there are still those citizens of Camelot who believe magic to be evil and persecute magic users on their own.  Perhaps we could provide support and care for the victims and punish the perpetrators.”

 

Gwen suggested that Merlin might start some sort of program for teaching magic, and Percival brought up the importance of studying magical creatures.

 

And so the council session continued, Merlin gladly taking notes as quickly as possible, barely even aware of how illegible the handwriting was and all of the ink he managed to smear on his hands and face.  Gwaine laugh, and wiped at Merlin’s face gently as we always did when he watched Merlin work.

 

Arthur cleared his throat, and the couple turned to see Arthur frowning and blushing.  Merlin stuck his tongue out at Arthur good-naturedly, but he did grab Gwaine’s hand to pull it away from his face.  He made it a point to lace their fingers together and set their interlocked hands on the table, staring pointedly at Arthur all the while.

 

“Well,” Arthur addressed the room again, trying to ignore the snickers he could hear from his wife and some of the knights. “I believe peacekeeping should be our Court Sorcerer’s primary role, aside from keeping Camelot safe to the best of his abilities.  Therefore, I think we should start with two issues:  To make reparations for the victims of the Purge and to defend magic users against ongoing magical hate crimes.”

 

Merlin nodded, entirely happy with the decisions being made.  This could be his chance at atonement for all of the crimes that he had committed to protect Arthur for all those years.  “I gladly accept the immense responsibility of this role.”

 

With the solemnity out of the way, Merlin continued somewhat more casually.  “I can allocate a few hours of each day for anyone to come to my office and discuss their issues with me, whether they be past or present problems.  Hopefully, this could instill a feeling of comfort and trust with us again, while it gives me a change to help.  On the other hand, I imagine there is a long list of atrocities to try and remedy that aren’t the sort of thing someone would just wander in to complain about.”

 

The room was quiet for a moment before Arthur spoke again.  “Perhaps it would be worthwhile for you and I to meet regularly to talk about those.  I regret to say that I was present and sometimes and active participant in those atrocities, so I could suggest some events…”

 

Gwen patted Arthur on the hand, trying to comfort him as best as she could in the moment, knowing firsthand how nightmares and guilt haunted Arthur’s sleep.

 

A morose atmosphere had descended on the room, but Merlin, in a surprising turn of events, was actually feeling pretty happy at the moment.  He kept his face and voice blank when he concluded the meeting. “It seems like I have a lot of work to do, so I say we end the meeting here.”

 

As everyone shuffled out of the room, Merlin squeezed Gwaine’s hand and pulled him along to his chambers.

 

* * *

 

“I’m going to get to help so many people!  With my _magic_!”  Merlin exclaimed once they were behind closed doors, more excited than anyone had a right to be over work.

 

Gwaine smiled, entirely affected by Merlin’s childlike excitement, and Merlin grinned in return.  The held hands while they leant in for a chaste kiss, and as the pulled away, Merlin tugged Gwaine into a dance with their connected hands.  It was more just jumping and skipping around than it was a proper dance, and they both descended into breathless laughter before the collapsed into a nearby chair with Merlin falling across Gwaine’s lap.

 

Once they’d caught their breath, Merlin rearranged himself to straddle Gwaine.  They stared for a moment, Gwaine looking entirely besotted and Merlin still flushed from their romp around the office, before they mutually closed the distance for a more heated kiss than the one they’d shared before.

 

Merlin took the initiative to deepen the kiss and tangled his hands in Gwaine’s luscious hair to pull on it gently.  Gwaine eagerly followed the rhythm, sliding his hands under Merlin’s shirt to stroke bare skin, starting to push it up his torso.

 

The door to the office slammed open.  “Merlin, I just wanted to say – AUUGGHHH!”

 

Arthur burst into the room, quickly throwing his hands up over his eyes to block out the site of the couple making out. “What the bloody hell are you two doing, in the middle of the day, where anyone can see you?”

 

Merlin scrambled off of Gwaine’s lap, self-consciously trying to straighten out his clothes.

 

“To be fair, Princess, we were in Merlin’s chambers with the door closed, so the only way someone would have seen us is if they were so entitled that they thought they could enter without knocking.”  Gwaine said cheerfully while he stood and slung an arm around Merlin’s shoulders.

 

Arthur sputtered for a few minutes before he finally sorted himself out well enough to speak.  “Gwaine, you have patrol duty with Percival to get to.  I’d like to speak to Merlin alone.”

 

Merlin and Gwaine shared a long look, a silent conversation raging on with Merlin begging Gwaine to stay and Gwaine trying not to laugh at how prudish Arthur was being.  So with a short farewell, Gwaine left Merlin to deal with the fuming prince.

 

“Traitor…” Merlin muttered, before sighing and turning to Arthur.  “What did you want, Arthur?”

 

Arthur surprised Merlin by grabbing both of his shoulders and looking at him intently.  “Merlin, I have to ask…  Has Gwaine… _pressured you_ into anything?”

 

Merlin wanted to curl up in a hole and die, he was so mortified.  “Goodness Arthur, you do realize that I’m well into my 20s, don’t you?  Also, I am the most powerful being in this realm, so do you really think that I can’t defend myself?”

 

Arthur fidgeted and dropped his hands off of Merlin, looking as embarrassed as Merlin felt.  “Look, that’s all good and well, but you’re just so innocent and simple, _Mer_ lin.  And Gwaine is very worldly, to put it gently.”

 

“Do you think peasants and servants don’t know what sex is?”  Merlin asked bluntly, frustration starting to overwhelm embarrassment.  “Or is it just me?  I can’t be with Gwaine just because I’ve never-”

 

Merlin slammed a hand over his mouth, realizing what he’d started to confess.  He stared wide-eyed at Arthur, who looked even more pained than ever.

 

“Oh no, Merlin, no, you and Gwaine…  People like him don’t regard intimacy as seriously as others.”

 

Okay, Merlin was livid now.  “You know what Arthur?  You can sod right off with all your pretentious, narrow-minded, judgmental opinions.  You know what I think?  I think you don’t know me at all, and you definitely don’t know a damn thing about Gwaine.”

 

Arthur started shouting defensively.  “Of course I know you Merlin!  We’ve been friends for years.”

 

Merlin shook his head aggressively, “No, Arthur, I was your servant for years, and you treated me like a friend when it was convenient for you with no awareness of me at all.”

 

Arthur deflated a little bit.  “That’s hardly fair, since I seem to recall you actively hiding from me and lying to me all those years.  I understand why you did, but if I truly don’t know you as well as I thought, maybe it’s not all my fault.”

 

Merlin, while still angry, could see some validity in Arthur’s words.  “Perhaps…  Well, just so you know, the true me is _NOT_ that innocent.  And I’m still mad at you for being suck a prick towards Gwaine.  He’s the most considerate and loving person I know, and I’d argue that he’s a lot more sentimental and virtuous than I.  Stop treating me like a child, and let us live.”

 

Arthur pursed his lips together, clearly disagreeing, but making a concerted effort to respect Merlin.

 

Merlin sighed.  “Look, I appreciate your concern for me, really I do.  But I’m happy with Gwaine.  Can’t you try and keep an open mind?”

 

 “I can _try_ , but I still think the whole situation is improper.”

 

Trying to lighten the mood, Merlin joked, “I’ll be sure to tell Gwaine that we have to hurry up and get married now to make it proper.”

 

Arthur looked at him sharply, taking Merlin aback.

 

“What?  Can men not marry each other in Camelot?”

 

“No, I mean yes, they can.  Have you two been planning to wed?”

 

“Oh.”  Merlin was suddenly aware of what he had said.  “No, not really.  It’s a bit early for that sort of talk.”

 

“But you want to marry Gwaine?” Arthur asked in a soft voice, like it was the most important question in the world.

 

Feeling vulnerable, Merlin answered honestly. “Maybe not right now, but…  I think I do, yeah.”

 

Arthur’s expression closed off, and his voice returned to its usual loud confidence.  “Well, I’ve entirely forgotten what I even came in here to talk about, and I have other obligations that I need to get to as do you.”

 

With that, Arthur turned and left, door closing behind him with a decisive thud.

 

Merlin rushed upstairs and flung himself on his bed, screaming into one of his too-soft pillows.  _Why can’t Arthur have conversations like a normal person?!_

 

After he’d calmed down a little bit, Merlin changed into his most comfortable sleeping clothes (one of Gwaine’s shirts and naught else), grabbed a book off his bedside table, and lost himself in prose for a couple of hours.

 

That is how Gwaine found Merlin when he’d returned from his patrol.  He changed into sleeping clothes as well and then climbed into bed with his partner.  Gwaine waited until Merlin reached a stopping point and set his book aside, before pulling him down to cuddle.

 

“Sorry to leave you with the princess earlier.  I hope he didn’t give you too hard of a time.”

 

“Oh, no, he just lectured me about not letting a heartless cad take my virginity.  Nothing new.”

 

Gwaine rubbed circles into Merlin’s back to try and soothe him.  “Doesn’t he know that none of that other stuff matters when two people look as good as us?”

 

Merlin chuckled.  “I gave him a piece of my mind, so hopefully the lesson sticks.”

 

“If anyone can beat some sense into him, it’s you.”

 

“Umm…”  Merlin started hesitantly.  “Hypothetically speaking, how would you feel if Arthur may have somehow gotten the impression that we’re planning on getting married in the future?”

 

The subsequent silence was unbearable for Merlin, who was rife with anticipation.

 

Suddenly Gwaine’s lips were pressed against his own, and Merlin relaxed into the kiss with relief.

 

“Oh Merlin, my love.  Of course I want to marry you, I just never dreamed you’d want to marry me.”

 

Merlin gave Gwaine a light smack on the arm.  “I love you, too, moron.  I think maybe our next mission should be ‘Boost Gwaine’s self confidence.’”


	6. Oblivious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An interlude from Arthur's perspective.

Arthur was nowhere near as oblivious as people seemed to believe, or at least he liked to think so.

 

He couldn’t claim to know everything, by any means.  He certainly didn’t know about Merlin’s magic, but he did know that his dear friend was hiding something from him all those years.  He found it hard to believe Gaius’ lies about Merlin spending all his time in the taverns, and he definitely had not believed Merlin’s increasingly outlandish and obvious lies over the years.  Arthur might not be the cleverest man in the world, but he wasn’t dumb by any means.

 

However, Arthur decided not to question things too much, sensing somehow that it was not an answer he truly wanted to hear.  Arthur was immensely glad that he had not learned of magic when he was younger and still completely swayed by the influence of his father’s hateful vendetta.  Now that he was older and now that he was king, it was a better time to discover Merlin’s badly hidden secrets.

 

Aside from never figuring out the fact that Merlin was a warlock, Arthur like to think that he knew the man very well.  He knew that Merlin often cried when Arthur was not looking.  Arthur saw the grief behind Merlin’s blinding smiles, and he saw the emptiness that gradually eclipsed even that powerful sadness.  Hell, Arthur even knew that he had been the cause of much of that sadness.

 

After all, Merlin was in love with Arthur for years, which Arthur had known about as well.  It was so painfully obvious to the prince when Merlin’s crush had started developing, and initially it had been flattering and cute.  Until the innocent crush grew into something much stronger as Arthur and Merlin became closer and closer.

 

Arthur also held a love for Merlin in his heart, but a platonic love.  In some ways, Arthur thought he might love Merlin more strongly than he loved anyone else because they were so profoundly connected, but at the end of the day he just did not feel a romantic attraction to his friend.  So he continued on as Merlin’s friend, hoping that eventually Merlin’s fixation on him would diminish.

 

It hadn’t.  Merlin grew more and more desolate after Arthur and Gwen became serious, and Arthur was clueless about what to do.  And so he did nothing, trying to bury the guilt that he felt by justifying to himself that it really wasn’t his fault or his responsibility.  After all, Merlin still seemed to be holding together just fine.

 

Gwen had been the one to give Arthur a fantastic idea for how to brighten Merlin’s spirits:  Make him Court Sorcerer.  There was no one more qualified, the king and queen had both agreed, and they announced his appointment that very day.  Arthur, for one, thought the idea had worked swimmingly.  Merlin had even _cried_ with gratitude.

 

Imagine his surprise as he stood on the training field after giving Merlin the day off to have Gwaine of all people berated him about hurting Merlin.   It was one of those harsh reminders that even if Arthur were not completely oblivious, he could be willfully ignorant when it suited him, as he had been to Merlin’s magic and as he had been recently negligent of Merlin’s true emotions, despite the fact that Arthur _knew_ Merlin shrouded his feeling beneath masks of happiness.

 

However, Arthur was prideful and did not respond well to anyone talking down to him – aside from Merlin and Guinevere.  He was angry at Gwaine for speaking to him so disrespectfully and would be certain that none of his knights ever talked to him so uncouthly.  If Arthur’s response of punishment was a bit childish, he’d never admit it.

 

The following day, Arthur had been completely and utterly _flabbergasted_ when Merlin had come with a romantic picnic basket for Gwaine instead of him.  Merlin was in love with Arthur, so why?

 

Call it vanity, but Arthur was actually hurt by Merlin’s rejection of a love that he had never even wanted.  And to be replaced by Gwaine…  Arthur could not understand how Gwaine could somehow be better than he was.  Why would Merlin like Gwaine more than he liked Arthur?  They were disgustingly public with their affection, especially considering the fact that Merlin had apparently gotten over his years-long devotion to Arthur in a single evening.  He couldn’t stand it a second longer!

 

* * *

 

Gwaine kept kissing Merlin in public!  And Merlin seemed perfectly happy about it, as well.  Arthur for one was entirely scandalized.  Intimacy should be private, he felt.

 

Not to mention the nagging worry that Arthur felt when he watched the two together.  He had accepted that his initial dislike of the pairing had been primarily because he had felt personally offended that Merlin had tossed him aside.  Arthur knew it was silly of him, but he was a vain man and was still working on it.  Now he just wanted to protect his dearest friend.

 

Merlin was so young and inexperienced.  Despite the tragedies and hardships that Merlin had endured in his short life, perhaps even _because_ of them, Merlin had never really engaged in a relationship with anyone.  Arthur knew that the servants like the roll in the hay together, so to speak, sometimes just to pass the time.  But not sweet, innocent Merlin who spent all his time on Arthur.

 

Gwaine on the other hand…  Arthur remembered their first meeting, how Gwaine had drunkenly joined a brawl in a pub for the fun of it, it seemed.  He also knew that Gwaine spent all of his spare time in taverns getting plastered and being overly friendly with everyone.  According to Gwen, Gwaine had actually flirted with her moments after meeting her!  Oh, Arthur knew his type, the type to hit on anyone, the serial romantic, the heartbreaker.  He was a skilled and loyal knight, and Arthur usually liked his companionship, but that was neither here nor there when it came to Merlin.

 

Arthur would put a stop to this before things got too far, for he cared for Merlin deeply.

 

* * *

 

 

After the council session discussing the role of Court Sorcerer, Arthur thought to go commend Merlin on his brilliance.  The younger man still seemed so uncomfortable and doubtful about his aptitude for the position.

 

What Arthur witnessed when he opened the door very nearly stopped his heart.

 

Gwaine was feeling Merlin up, stripping him!  At midday! In a public office!  Out of wedlock!  With Merlin!

 

Not Arthur’s best or brightest moment, his confrontation with Merlin about the disturbing nature of his relationship with Gwaine.

 

When Arthur heard Merlin say that he and Gwaine were to wed, his heart had definitely stopped.  A small part of him thought that maybe Merlin had been just going with Gwaine as a sort of rebound from Arthur, that Merlin was trying to catch up with some of those youthful romps that he’d never taken part in.

 

To find that their relationship had progressed to so far without his knowledge left Arthur feeling crestfallen and clueless.  Perhaps Merlin was right, and he knew nothing about either Merlin or Gwaine.

 

Arthur felt like he was losing his best friend.

 

“You aren’t going to lose him, Arthur.”  Gwen reassured him, patting his back as he buried his face in her shoulder.  “Did Merlin lose you when we wed?”

 

“No… and yes…  Did you know he was in love with me?”  Arthur looked at Gwen with sorrowful eyes.

 

“Everyone has crushes, dear.  Why, I thought I was in love with Merlin once!”  She laughed at Arthur’s scandalized face.  “Regardless, you and Merlin have still been close friends even though you are in a romantic relationship.  Why should you lose Merlin just because he has that as well?”

 

“He’s furious with me, and I am starting to see his point.  I have been a narrow-minded, pretentious, prude, haven’t I?

 

“Yes, you have for a matter-of-fact.”  Gwen stated bluntly.

 

“Guinevere!  You’re supposed to reassure me and make me feel better.”  Arthur chided her with a small smile.

 

“No, I'm supposed to be honest with you and help you become a better person.  And right now, you need to do that by apologizing to Merlin and Gwaine and by supporting them.”

 

Arthur sighed and hugged Gwen tightly.  “I hate it when you’re right.”

 

Gwen hugged him back, laughing.  “No, you hate it when you’re wrong.”

 

They went to bed then, and Arthur decided that he would go make things right with Merlin tomorrow.

 

* * *

 

Arthur waited until the knights had all gathered and started training the following morning before going to seek out Merlin.  He wanted to speak with Merlin alone, and he knew Gwaine would be busy for at least the next hour.  Merlin was certain to not be busy with anything else since he was usually still asleep at this time, taking full advantage of the fact that his newfound status let him pick his own hours.

 

Therefore, Arthur was not surprised when Merlin did not answer his knock on the outer door to his chambers.  Pushing open the door to his office, Arthur saw that the doorway to the upper level was open, so he shouted up the stairs to wake his friend up.

 

“Meeeeeerrrllliiiiiin!  Let’s have, you lazy daisy!”

 

There was a moment of silence before he heard Merlin’s groggy voice respond.  “Arthur?  Why are you here so early?”

 

“Some people actually wake up before lunch, you know?”

 

Merlin just groaned in response.

 

“But, that’s not why I’m here.”  Arthur started again nervously.  “I actually came because…  I thought about what you said yesterday, and I owe you an apology.  I’d like to talk about things.  If that’s alright?”

 

Arthur’s heart beat loudly against his ribcage in the following silence.

 

“That… That sounds lovely, Arthur.  Just give me a moment to get dressed.”

 

Arthur hummed his assent, and took to looking around the office while he waited.  He could see Merlin’s touch on everything in the room, including the messy piles of paper on his desk and scattered all across the floor.

 

“Merlin, you do realize that you have shelves to keep these papers on?”  He called up the stairs as he bent down and started picking up the papers on the floor to put them somewhere more appropriate.

 

“I have them how I like them!”  Merlin shouted back.

 

Arthur huffed out a laugh, even as he kept picking up papers.  There was one far, far back in a corner, almost completed obscured by a large artifact that had probably carried the paper with it when it was pushed into place ages ago.  Arthur picked it up and was intrigued to find his name at the top of it in Merlin’s familiar scrawl.

 

_Arthur,_

_I know it must be hard for you to understand why I decided to end my life…_

 

Arthur sucked in a harsh gasp, feeling like he had just fallen through the ice into a frozen lake.  He could scarcely make out the rest of the message, _the suicide note_ , his hands shaking and his vision clouded with tears.  Detailed in the letter were paragraphs about Merlin’s hardships, his profound depression, his love for Arthur, how they would all get along better without him…

 

“It’s rare for you to actually acknowledge when someone else is right!  This is momentous occa– Arthur?”  Merlin’s voice called out as he descended the stairs to see Arthur slumped in his desk chair, shuddering with violent shocks.

 

Arthur looked up at Merlin, hands gripping the paper hard enough to crumple the sides.

 

“You tried to kill yourself?”  Arthur asked in a soft, broken voice.

 

All of the color drained from Merlin’s face.


	7. Worth His Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur and Merlin have a difficult conversation.

_No man is worth your tears…_

Those words had rattled around in Merlin’s head over and over for years after Arthur had told him that the first time.  It had hurt to hear after the death of his father, and it made him feel horrible every time he cried after that.  He should have been better at hiding his feelings, knowing how weak he must appear to Arthur, especially when the source of Merlin’s sadness was always a secret.  Arthur would never be so transparent; no, he would remain steadfast and stubborn, unlike Merlin who seemed to cry so easily.

 

Now, Merlin stood there in complete and utter shock as he watched Arthur sob in full force, drenching whatever paper that he clutched in his hands.

 

“You tried to kill yourself?”

 

Merlin realized with dawning horror that Arthur must be holding one of those suicide notes that he had written all those months ago.  He had thought he’d burned all of them, but it seemed that he must have missed one.  For the first time Merlin actually regretted being messy.

 

The tension in the room was thick enough that Merlin thought he might suffocate.  In fact, Merlin was finding it quite hard to breathe, sucking in quick and shallow breaths, unable to take a full, deep breath.  He was dizzy.

 

“Merlin?!”  Arthur’s harried voice broke through the haze and gave Merlin something to focus on.  “What’s wrong?  Please, just breathe!”

 

Suddenly, Arthur was in front of him, gripping his shoulders so hard he was sure to have bruises later.

 

“Breathe, Merlin!”

 

Doing his best, Merlin gasped and sputtered, trying to copy Arthur’s exaggeratedly slow breaths.  It took several minutes, but Merlin felt the panic attack abating, leaving him tired.

 

“That’s it.”  Arthur spoke to him in a hushed tone, despite his trembling hands. “I’m so sorry…  For… for…  I don’t know, _everything_.”

 

Merlin finally looked up to meet Arthur’s eyes, only to find them swimming with tears again.  Arthur let out a distressed whimper, before pulling Merlin to his chest in a crushing hug.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”  Arthur whispered over and over, soaking Merlin’s shirt with tears.

 

Merlin, in contrast, was starting to feel oddly numb in this moment.  Without even meaning to, he found himself patting Arthur on the back and whispering the first thing that came to mind, “No man is worth your tears.”

 

Arthur reared back, wild eyes boring into Merlin’s.  “You are not just a man.  You’re…  you’re _Merlin_.  You’re worth everything.”

 

Merlin let out a frustrated huff of air.  “What nonsense.  You’re overreacting.”

 

Arthur’s eyes got wider still, and Merlin thought for a moment that they might just fall out of his skull.  “It’s not nonsense.  You are so important, Merlin.  Surely you must know that.”

 

Merlin tried to step back, but was stopped by Arthur’s harsh grip on his shoulders.  He closed his eyes and shook his heads against Arthur’s words.

 

“Yes, Merlin.  You are, without a doubt, the most intelligent, kind, powerful person in this world, and I could not bear to live in it without you, my other half.”

 

He spoke so reverently, that Merlin found himself wishing that he could believe Arthur with the same innocent, unwavering faith he used to have in his king.  This was such unfamiliar territory between the two of them, and Merlin felt entirely unprepared for dealing with it.  He really just wanted to pretend that his attempted suicide had never happened.

 

“I, uh, appreciate your esteem in me, misguided as it might be.”  Merlin rushed on before Arthur could interrupt him. “And as for the matter of the note…  That was several months ago, and it was just a momentary weakness.  I’m fine.”

 

Merlin tried to smile, but found it wilting on his face almost before it had formed.  Arthur crumbled at his words, no longer crying but looking more grief-stricken than before.

 

“I’m sorry that I have failed you so much as a friend, Merlin.  That I did not see how bad things were, that I did not step in when I suspected you were lost in sadness, that I no longer have your trust, that I do not _deserve_ it…”

 

Arthur finally released Merlin’s shoulders, turning away and dragging himself over to sit in a chair by the fireplace.

 

Merlin felt like he might collapse without the firm grasp grounding him.  His heart was racing in his chest, and his throat felt impossibly dry.  He took a few shaky steps to his desk where he always kept a pitcher of water and messily gulped some down.  Turning to look at Arthur, he saw that the king now had his face buried in his palms.  It had been a long time since Merlin had seen Arthur look so defeated, perhaps since he had killed Morgana.  Merlin’s stomach churned at the idea that he had made Arthur feel this way, which is what gave him the push to try and talk about this as honestly as he could.

 

Merlin quietly approached Arthur, carefully sitting down in the seat across from him.

 

“Arthur…  it’s not that I don’t trust you, or that I don’t consider you my dearest friend.  You must understand that I thought no one else would ever find out, and it took me by no small amount of surprise.”

 

Arthur finally looked up at him, face red and blotchy from his earlier tears.  “What do you mean ‘no one else?’  Who else knows?”

 

“Oh, um, well, Gwaine as a matter of fact.”  Merlin was even more nervous now, knowing how his relationship with Gwaine was still a bit of an open sore between himself and Arthur.

 

“You told Gwaine, but you didn’t tell me?”

 

“I didn’t exactly tell Gwaine, so much as he pulled me off of the ledge before I could jump off the roof.”  Merlin finished with a humorless laugh.  He wished he hadn’t.  Arthur looked stricken.

 

They sat in an uncomfortable silence until Arthur finally broke it.  “When was this?”

 

“It was a long time ago, don’t worry.”

 

“Of course I’m bloody worried!  And it can’t have been that long ago since you’ve only been living in these quarters for a few months, Merlin!”

 

“Fine!  It was that first day.  After I became Court Sorcerer and got moved into this tower.”  Merlin blurted out before he could lose his nerve.

 

“I don’t understand, Merlin.  Were you unhappy that I made you Court Sorcerer?  Did you not like your new quarters?  W-was it something I did or said?”

 

“No, no, it’s not so simple.  Really, things were bad for a long time…  I dealt with a lot of loss over the years and could never grieve.  It was more like everything had just been piling up and piling up until I couldn’t bear the burden any longer.  It was the period at the end of a sentence that was written a long time ago.”

 

Arthur took a shaky breath, looking to be on the verge of tears again.  “I still just feel like all of this is my fault.  If I had just paid more attention, I could have done something.”

 

“You kept me going for a long time, Arthur, but it wasn’t healthy nor was it sustainable, I see that now.”

 

Merlin watched as Arthur’s filtered through a range of emotions, most notably confusion, until he finally seemed to have some realization.

 

“So you started seeing Gwaine because he saved your life?  Merlin, if it wasn’t healthy for you to depend on your love for me to keep you from…”  Arthur couldn’t bring himself to say it.  “Then it’s just as bad for you to do the same thing with Gwaine!”

 

Merlin was stunned into complete silence for so many reasons.  Staring aghast across at Arthur.

 

Arthur grasped his hands to hold his attention.  “Merlin, what will happen if things don’t work out with him?  Will you keep waiting for the next person to catch you before you fall until there is no one there on time?”

 

Merlin shook his head at Arthur, trying to get his thoughts in order.  “Slow down, Arthur.  You are jumping to a lot of conclusions.  First off, I would have dated Gwaine even if he didn’t save my life as he did.  Second off, I’m not dependent on Gwaine to survive; he works to make sure that I am happy every day and that we learn to recognize what triggers bad reactions and how to manage them, but I could do that even if we weren’t in love.  Third off, did you know that I was in love with you?”

 

Merlin finished with a squeak and a burning face, though Arthur’s flushed as well when he realized that he had revealed that he had known that secret.

 

“Um, I may have noticed that you might have had romantic feelings for me.  I thought you would prefer if I didn’t know.”

 

Merlin rubbed his hands across his face, letting out a muffled groan followed by a self-deprecating laugh.  “Did everyone know?  Gwaine figured it out, too, so I must have been pretty obvious…  Well, I’m completely over it, for your information.”

 

“I kind of figured that, especially after you told me that you wanted to marry Gwaine.”  Arthur tried to say it in a light-hearted tone before he continued in a more serious tone of voice.  “And are you also over these feelings?”  Arthur waved the soggy note at him.

 

“Mostly, yes.  There are some bad days where things feel like too much, but it’s getting better.  I’m happy now.”  Merlin smiled then, and, although it was a little strained following such an emotionally wrought conversation, it was genuine.

 

“Then I won’t belabor this anymore for right now, as I don’t imagine it’s very helpful to dwell on it.  But I swear to you, my friend, that I will be more mindful of you in the future.  I care for you dearly, Merlin.  Do not doubt your importance to me or to the world.”

 

With that, Arthur stood up and pulled Merlin out of his chair into a crushing hug, as though he was afraid that Merlin might disappear from in front of him.

 

“Thank you, Arthur.”  Merlin whispered.

 

Arthur was just pulling back when the door opened, and they both turned to see Gwaine walk in, still sweaty from the morning’s training.

 

“Princess!  What’s this then?  Did you finally apologize to our dear Merlin here?”

 

Arthur smiled down at Merlin before turning his attention to Gwaine.  “Indeed I did.  And I believe I owe you one as well.  You’ve always been a loyal friend, and I’ve misjudged you unfairly.”  Arthur approached Gwaine and clapped him on the shoulder.  “Thank you for taking care of Merlin, especially when I was too blind to do so.”

 

Gwaine met Merlin’s eyes from across the room, clearly very confused at this turn of events, but willing to roll with it when Merlin smiled at him and nodded.

 

“Well, I hold no grudges, and I’m happy to look after Merlin as long as he’ll put up with me.”

 

Arthur huffed out a little laugh, and then bid them a tense goodbye before leaving.

 

As soon as the door closed, Merlin collapses back into his chair and let out a groan.  “You would not believe the morning I’ve had.”

 

 


End file.
